One definition of grief is “deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement”. P.C. Rosenblatt described loss as a “sequence, perhaps extending over our lifetimes, of new losses, or new realizations of loss”. It is said that everyone will experience grief and losses in our lifetimes; and yet, grief and loss is becoming something that is abnormal or that should be hidden from public view. Isn’t mourning a time when communities, friends and family should be providing caring and support?
According to Catherine Sanders, PhD, who wrote Grief: The Mourning After, “Grief is inordinately lonely and the pain is torturous. Nonetheless, many bereaved continue to suffer through their losses with little support or acknowledgment of their emptiness." Rather than support individuals suffering loss, many societies and cultures have made grief and loss into a pathology requiring anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. Modern life "grief police" have made rules on what is normal and socially appropriate stereotypical grieving behavior, rules on when individuals should return to normal routine, and have sanitized grief and loss so much that the public recites “Hope you get well” responses to those suffering - as if grief or loss were illnesses to avoid.
Rather than sensing support during times of loss, those that suffer have to weep privately in bathroom showers, may be given a time frame to “recover”; they may be given a survey of how their losses are rated by a researched point system, or in what order they can expect to experience textbook stages of grief and loss. Those experiencing loss may be told to “get over it”, due to perfection ideals pursued by modern nations, cultures and societies.
What grief and loss does show many of us is that we have no control over random acts, accidents, death or many other losses (including jobs and relationships). Many grieving feel vulnerable, afraid, or experience role changes. Many are made to feel abnormal and ashamed, and place themselves in a self-imposed isolation –in order to avoid harmful or judgmental remarks, questions and platitudes such as: “When one door closes, another one opens”, “This happened for a reason” or “I know exactly how you feel”. And, why do some people feel the need to bother the bereaved additionally by asking a plethora of needless questions about the ages of deceased love ones, the manner in which their loved ones died, or if bereaved parents have any other children – rather than offering caring and support of those grieving?
What many of us know is that there is no “closure” after loss; it is part of life...recurring emotions that appear when we least expect it. Death may end life as we know it, but it does not end relationships with survivors. Individuals claiming they are okay or that their loved ones went to Heaven, doesn’t rid the intensity of grief emotions. There are tremendous individual differences experiencing grief and loss, and survivor grief should not have less value due to age, gender, religion or how loved ones died or left us.
It doesn’t help those suffering to have to grieve losses in private. Survivors of grief and loss should be able to receive support, comfort, and caring; and be able to express their sadness about their sacred memories in photographs, stories, writings, and memorials – with no time limit. Rather than communities allowing people to express their sadness due to bereavement and loss, it is reported that 90% are diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder or complicated grief. When did we stop supporting and helping those feeling loss, by mandating those persons to suffer alone in shame or self-mandated isolation, rather than be told their grief is illogical or abnormal?
Stories of grief and loss allow many individuals to feel less alone, allow survivors to share their precious gifts of memories, and teaches us we are human beings with limited time to enjoy life. Grief and loss teaches us that we are all vulnerable and that we are not weak or to blame when we are traumatized. Grief and loss teaches us that, most likely, our fairy godmothers will not arrive just in time to protect us from suffering losses. Grief and loss teaches us that we will never forget those we love and what those persons left in our hearts.
As the witches in WICKED sang, “BECAUSE I KNEW YOU, I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD”. Let’s allow those with grief and loss to grieve well and feel normal, because they have been changed for good. Grief and loss is a normal part of life, and should not be endured alone. Grieving well is to value what we have lost. CAROL BURNETT: "I'm so glad we had this time together."
© 2014-2024 Donna Maso, LCSW, All Rights Reserved
According to Catherine Sanders, PhD, who wrote Grief: The Mourning After, “Grief is inordinately lonely and the pain is torturous. Nonetheless, many bereaved continue to suffer through their losses with little support or acknowledgment of their emptiness." Rather than support individuals suffering loss, many societies and cultures have made grief and loss into a pathology requiring anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. Modern life "grief police" have made rules on what is normal and socially appropriate stereotypical grieving behavior, rules on when individuals should return to normal routine, and have sanitized grief and loss so much that the public recites “Hope you get well” responses to those suffering - as if grief or loss were illnesses to avoid.
Rather than sensing support during times of loss, those that suffer have to weep privately in bathroom showers, may be given a time frame to “recover”; they may be given a survey of how their losses are rated by a researched point system, or in what order they can expect to experience textbook stages of grief and loss. Those experiencing loss may be told to “get over it”, due to perfection ideals pursued by modern nations, cultures and societies.
What grief and loss does show many of us is that we have no control over random acts, accidents, death or many other losses (including jobs and relationships). Many grieving feel vulnerable, afraid, or experience role changes. Many are made to feel abnormal and ashamed, and place themselves in a self-imposed isolation –in order to avoid harmful or judgmental remarks, questions and platitudes such as: “When one door closes, another one opens”, “This happened for a reason” or “I know exactly how you feel”. And, why do some people feel the need to bother the bereaved additionally by asking a plethora of needless questions about the ages of deceased love ones, the manner in which their loved ones died, or if bereaved parents have any other children – rather than offering caring and support of those grieving?
What many of us know is that there is no “closure” after loss; it is part of life...recurring emotions that appear when we least expect it. Death may end life as we know it, but it does not end relationships with survivors. Individuals claiming they are okay or that their loved ones went to Heaven, doesn’t rid the intensity of grief emotions. There are tremendous individual differences experiencing grief and loss, and survivor grief should not have less value due to age, gender, religion or how loved ones died or left us.
It doesn’t help those suffering to have to grieve losses in private. Survivors of grief and loss should be able to receive support, comfort, and caring; and be able to express their sadness about their sacred memories in photographs, stories, writings, and memorials – with no time limit. Rather than communities allowing people to express their sadness due to bereavement and loss, it is reported that 90% are diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder or complicated grief. When did we stop supporting and helping those feeling loss, by mandating those persons to suffer alone in shame or self-mandated isolation, rather than be told their grief is illogical or abnormal?
Stories of grief and loss allow many individuals to feel less alone, allow survivors to share their precious gifts of memories, and teaches us we are human beings with limited time to enjoy life. Grief and loss teaches us that we are all vulnerable and that we are not weak or to blame when we are traumatized. Grief and loss teaches us that, most likely, our fairy godmothers will not arrive just in time to protect us from suffering losses. Grief and loss teaches us that we will never forget those we love and what those persons left in our hearts.
As the witches in WICKED sang, “BECAUSE I KNEW YOU, I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD”. Let’s allow those with grief and loss to grieve well and feel normal, because they have been changed for good. Grief and loss is a normal part of life, and should not be endured alone. Grieving well is to value what we have lost. CAROL BURNETT: "I'm so glad we had this time together."
© 2014-2024 Donna Maso, LCSW, All Rights Reserved
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